Doggie Diapers

We have a dog that needs diapers! Is that not the strangest thing that you have ever heard. Talk about the effects of getting older. What in the world is happening? You wear diapers when you are young, you grow into big boy underoos, then underwear, and when you become to cool for that word, its...draws, then you get older, hair falls out and your wearing diapers again???

We haven't had the best of luck with dogs. You see, when we first moved into our new house I thought that we just had to have a dog. I mean, that's just how it is. The man gets his castle, and must have his faithful companion. Unfortunately, along with that, if you are to please the little woman, Manmust accept his fate and be willing to allow his arch enemy and worst headache that simply won't go away after two asprine, the feline. They make great target practice, and with a little Tony Chacherie's and some garlic, grilled over charcoal and an open flame...taste almost like chicken, but that is where I personally feel that their purpose ceases to exist. My wife had two headaches that had to enter our new castle. Soon afterward, they developed an infection and were confined to the bathroom so as not to bleed on the new carpeting that cpst more than their brother and sister cats across the US put together. They were to remain in the bathroom until she was able to secure a nice home for them to survive...or until I oculd get her to leave the house for a few hours while I prepared, "Dinner"...whichever would come first. Fortunatley for the pointless animals she was able to pawn them off on the folks...while I secretly worked my magic to secure a real pet. That is when we adopted Uncle Vinny...which turned out to be a she, and then we later found out that somehow we had been given the world's dumbest animal...I thought to myself...where are those cats. Let's get them back here. Uncle Vinny, like his friends in the mob who eventually turned "States Evidence" and forked over info to the feds, entered into the Federal Witness Protection Program...never to be heard from again. I am unsure to this day if he actually made it to the program, or if one of my associates, uhh...gave him a neck tie party and a pair of cement shoes to match.
Now, the dog we own is one of the friendliest dogs I have ever met, "Carmella" after a one, Tony Soprano's wife, and simply enjoys the company and attention of anyone willing to bestow it upon her. Two weeks ago we discovered that she was slowly bleeding from the rear. What the...??? After a few phone calls and talks, as it turns out, that is what happens to the females who are not fixed. This dog is nearly 100 years old in dog years (might as well be the same for human years, the way she moves a doggy wheel chair might be in order) and is still menstrating! What the dileo?
We bring them water, we bring them food. We give them baths. We take them for walks, pick up their crap, brush their hair, and take them for rides while talking to them as if they were babies believing deep in the heart of our sould that they understand every word muttered in some foreign baby language that could only be explained by John Travolta staring in a badly made 80's movie...entitled..."Look Who's Talking". If I were an alien, and I asked the first human I saw shortly after invading the Earth, to take me to their leader...I would expect them to take me to their pet dog. After all, the animal merely sputters a bark here and there and we step in line...while the kids sorely ask for our help in a math problem and we swiftly tell them to wait until a commercial.
This has been another total waste of time in a World Gone Mad by none other than the Bakerboy Himself.